the first thing my mom said to me this morning, after salam was “try to not to be too sad please”.

puzzled, i asked what she meant by that. she told me she had trouble sleeping because of my crying in my sleep.

true enough, i saw my fluffy eyes this fajr and i do remember my long tiring dream last night.

ayah and i went for a long walk somewhere and at one point he told me that i should walk the rest of the way on my own. it made me so sad, that leads to the tears, i think.

i told mak to slap my face the next time that happened and she just laughed.

ayah and i had a love-hate relationship even since i was so young. i know i have always been his “son”, his follower and his sidekick. i slept on the same bed as him when i was small when mom sleeps with other siblings. he was the one woke up in the middle of the night when i needed water. i replaced him at the restaurant when he was ill or need to go somewhere, i remember skipping school because i need to go to the market for the restaurant when dad have to travel to KL, or when he got admitted to the hospital because of his asthma, which was so often!

i always told my dad before, that i love him, but i dont like him. he always told me that one day, i will like him. i remember i told him that will never gonna happen. i dont like him because he named me weirdly, i dont like him because i looked so much like him, i dont like him cause he married my mom :p

the saddest memory will be when we received the news that my grandfather, his daddy, passed away. when he told me about it, all i did was pat his shoulder and said “dah takdir, ayah”. he was mad at me, he said, when its his turn to go, he dont think i will be sad either.

well thats not true ayah. when mom told me you passed on, i cried from my cubicle at American Express, all the way home in a cab with Ita, and all the way to Ipoh with everyone.

but yes, it took me four long years to gather enough courage to admit that you were gone, by visiting your grave the first time.

i love you ayah. still i dont like you.

and mom, lets go buy you your own bed 🙂